Managing Conflict at Work
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Conflict is an element of interpersonal relationships that can appear in any context without respect to the persons involved. People are different, and our vantage points ultimately differ, which can catalyze disagreement. But conflict isn't an end point but a starting point for something greater.
We generally see conflict as extreme disagreement, but more often than extreme circumstances, it is commonly a tiny variance or incongruence in perspective, action, or intentions. While conflict sounds like a negative word, it is also full of positive potential.
There has been considerable conflict between people since humans arrived on earth. The conflict people encounter in the workplace is tantamount to the number of people employed. So, while conflict sounds like a negative word, it is also full of positive potential. I know it sounds improbable, but I can quickly prove it to you.
We generally see conflict as extreme disagreement, but more often than extreme circumstances, it is commonly a tiny variance or incongruence in perspective, action, or intentions. Our views of conflict are shaped primarily by our formative environments - our childhood homes, first jobs, and the sports or academic teams we joined. These experiences are hardwired connections in our brains that show us whether the conflict should be avoided at all costs, if we can lean into conflict with an optimistic outcome, or if we should stand as a deer in headlights because it's completely unfamiliar to us. Some show up to work having reprogrammed their idea of conflict through therapy, evolved perspectives, books, or other healthy means. Most of us work with what we've always had. Read: yikes, this could get ugly!
Regardless of where you find yourself on the spectrum of conflict programming, the enneagram, Meyers-Briggs, or any other personality descriptor, we can learn not just to survive conflict but rather thrive from the benefits that conflict offers each of us.
Benefits of Real Conflict
Get Better Results.
Numerous examples of challengers who engaged in conflict resulted in technological advances that have changed how we enjoy life. At the conception point of any transformation or change initiative is challenging an idea, perspective, or the status quo. Some of the best ideas only come through challenging the status quo and those that defend it. So, if we need to get more granular here, try challenging something that has "always been done this way." So, you can end up in a very heated exchange. Or shall we say, conflict?
All the introverts or non-confrontational people reading this: don't skip out just yet. Challenging someone to achieve a better outcome does not mean we head into a cutthroat discussion. It simply means we offer a different point of view and contest the approach. People with the emotional intelligence, maturity, and Humility to see things from a perspective other than their own will welcome the challenge. Then some will perceive it as a personal attack. Nevertheless, proceed cautiously, mainly if your goal is to achieve the ideal results and outcome.
Build Stronger Relationships.
Stronger relationships yield positive outcomes. That's right; conflict can catalyze deeper relational equity amongst teams and leaders. Through resolving conflict, you get an opportunity to learn more of the why behind people's behaviors and mindsets. Humans aren't the best judges of their intentions, even when we convince ourselves that we are. It is considered typical to misjudge someone else's. So many nuances and factors contribute to how we show up to work and engage in workplace relationships. Some factors include our childhood, cultural practices, the encounter with a disgruntled barista on the way to the office, or the fact that we're caring for a sick parent and grieving.
Each person comes to work with diverse experiences that impact how we view encounters with team members, particularly conflict. Conflict is an opportunity to use empathy to learn how other people see the same problem. It's easy to be correct; changing your mind is complex. We could all benefit from flexibility in approaching problems at work.
Some of my previous colleagues, whom I've worked with and experienced significant conflict with, have become my closest friends. Through our mutual willingness to not just bulldoze and dismiss one another, we gained a deeper understanding of the person we were engaging with and saw the problem differently.
Calibrate Personal Confidence.
Learning to speak up for yourself even when it feels easier to leave it alone and cut your losses is invaluable to building confidence. The more you do it, the more confident you will become in personal advocacy.
Sometimes in environments with a toxic culture where only some people have the "right" to speak up, it can be challenging to speak up and engage in conflict. For example, I received a call a few weeks ago from a young employee in her twenties, whom we will call Monica. Monica was having a challenge with her boss and believed she was being mistreated. She wanted to speak up for herself and address the concern head-on as she thought she had proof that her teammates were not being managed similarly. So Monica called to ask for my advice because she lacked the confidence to advocate for herself. The challenge was not only that she lacked the personal confidence to speak up for herself, but she also wanted me to help provide the confidence that if she spoke up, it would catalyze conflict that would end safely for her, which I was unable to do. In conflict, you can not guarantee the outcome. So it's a risk you take. The alternative is to sulk in what you believe is mistreatment.
Consider these benefits as the ROI for leaning into conflict. These are benefits if we don't avoid conflict and discomfort. If tension is inevitable when people share space, responsibilities, or ideas, we should aim to get the best out of it. Nothing else would make sense!
Lest there is a fictitious picture painted here - engaging in conflict only sometimes ends in an idealistic fashion. Yet, it is an inevitable component of working in the marketplace as an entrepreneur or employee.
How do you lean into conflict even if you're not sure the outcome will be positive?
You make a choice. A choice to cool down if things are tense, assume the best, and begin to peel back the layers of the onion so progress can be made. Here's an approach that I know works for so many and that I use in situations where I've been offended or my boundaries were violated:
Situation. Address the circumstances where the conflict began. Note: I recommend taking this and the subsequent steps in a one-on-one private conversation.
Behavior. Address only the behavior. Humans are poor examiners of their motives; therefore, to accurately decipher someone else's motives is next to impossible. Spell out the details of the behavior that felt inappropriate or offensive. Do this without making assumptions about motives.
Impact. This step takes maturity. It takes vulnerability and, most of all, the "H" word. Humility. It is much easier to point out someone's misstep, bad behavior, or simple foolishness than to admit that we were hurt or embarrassed by it. The impact is where you bring it home for a resolution. You share their behavior's impact on you while not damning judgment but simply the felt impact.
This approach will only guarantee an end in an apology or changed behavior, although that is often the result. Instead, it is a starting point for deeper relational equity, clearer boundaries, and transparency.
To not oversimplify human conflict, some situations may require multiple conversations and the support of a mediator or leader. Regardless of the route taken, stay optimistic about how it ends.
Conflict is an element of interpersonal relationships that can appear in any context without respect to the persons involved. People are different, and our vantage points ultimately differ, which can catalyze disagreement. But remember, conflict isn't an end point but a starting point for something greater. Greater looks like deeper relationships, better results, more confidence, and ultimately better businesses, government, and world. It will not always end well, but we can improve the odds of successful and positive outcomes by equipping ourselves with the tools to handle it better.
